One Foot, Two Foot, Red Foot, Dumbshit

The Boston Marathon was yesterday. You don’t care, but that’s okay. Neither, apparently, does most of the rest of the United States, which is why only two marathons are annually broadcast live -- Boston and New York. Tens of thousands of hours of sports broadcasting is devoted to steroid-jacked idiots slamming into each other. Six is devoted to marathons.

And even with that little time, the marathon itself is apparently not interesting enough, because the last two Boston Marathons (at least) have shared airtime with the Iraq Boston Marathon. Huh? Yeah! It's the Boston Marathon, except that it happens to be run by American soldiers in Iraq. Which -- hey, wait a minute! -- makes it not the Boston Marathon at all! It kinda sorta makes it the Iraq Marathon!

Here is why: Doing one thing at the same time as another thing does not make you part of that other thing. See, when I’m on the couch beating off to porn, I'm not actually having sex with a Latvian tranny named Seductra.

Were it not for that confusion, though, it wouldn't allow the producers of the marathon broadcast to insert good-natured well-wishes from various Hollywood actors who they cornered on some red carpet. Even the effervescent Tara Reid found time to thank the soldiers for defending America and wish them good luck in their space-and-time-traversing marathon. Then her titty popped out.

Another Boston Marathon run somewhere completely fucking unrelated to Boston was completed by an astronaut, who did it on a treadmill with her official bib taped to the front. God Bless Us.

The reason you will never see more marathons on TV is that they are usually won by non-Americans. And non-American is just another word for un-American.