Blogging is Still Gay

But I had to share this with you. About a week ago, I received the following e-mail:

Interesting blog. I like how you generalize about "Black People" and I wonder how narrow your life must be to even think of something this myopic. You gotta live in some small town, not college educated and work at some bullshit job. Only a person with those characteristics could write something that "I'm with stupid" dumb.

Jay D****

My response follows:

Mr. Dee:

Thank you! I'm glad you like reading my generalizations about "Black People" as much as I like writing them. Also, I'm glad to see that someone else is unable to write the phrase "Black People" without surrounding it in quotation marks, because what are these "Black People" we keep hearing about, anyway? Well, I guess I've always used the term to refer to a group of humans whose dark skin is characteristic of someone of African descent. Perhaps we can agree that that definition encompasses the term fairly concisely, so it no longer requires quotes or indiscriminate capitalization. Now that we've got that nailed down, perhaps someday we can move on to analyzing the etymology of "White People." I know! What are THOSE supposed to be, right?

Jumping back to the subject at hand, however, I should thank you -- yes, again! -- for commenting on something so old that I had to run through my blog's archive to figure out what the hell you were talking about. In doing so, I ended up reading a bunch of my older pieces. Holy cow! I am one funny motherfucker! Sexy, too! Like, H-O-T sexy. It would be dishonest of me not to admit that there were some, ahem, rather steamy bathroom breaks in-between reading sessions.

Anyhow, in rereading that piece, I got the impression I had been writing specifically about the project-dwelling thugs in BIG, WHITE T-SHIRTS who used to glare contemptuously at me as I drove to work every day while I lived in the tiny burg of Atlanta. (Atlanta? Whoops! Huh, Jay?) I also foolishly misinterpreted the opening sentence to be a reference to the lyrics of "White Tee" by Crime Mob. Apparently, I was actually making racist generalizations. I must have bought into the common racist misconception that every Black person in the world wears light-colored, ill-fitting tops. A misconception not too different, incidentally, from the one that all people in the world who run websites named Torso Fever are not incredibly good-looking, well-endowed men who like to eat tomato sandwiches and frequently forget why they walked into a room.

Sadly, I no longer live in Atlanta (where I moved after finishing college -- whoops again! -- in this charming hamlet on the East coast called New York City). I have since taken up residence in Portland, Oregon, where people's shirts tend to fit slightly better. Luckily, they still tolerate the hate speech I apparently spew almost constantly. Even my Filipina wife is okay with it! Can you believe that? Why does she hate herself so much? I don't know! I'm just enjoying it until she wises up and escapes to a more racially tolerant city -- like, say, Nashville -- and shacks up with some caring, thoughtful motherfucker -- like, say, yourself -- and spends the rest of her days receiving long, erotic foot massages.

I'm not going to tell you my profession, but I bet you could guess it if you tried really hard. I assure you, though, I am a very unhappy, petty man, and I randomly lash out at those around me because of it, especially well-meaning critics and "Black People." (Dang it! I was trying really hard not to do that! I swear!)

Thank you for your kind wishes, and thank you for waking me up to my own intolerance. I'm sure if you had a blog, it would give me a lot to think about. I bet I would determine from it that you are a cosmopolitan college graduate with a totally AWESOME job. Also, I may infer from it that just about everyone wants to be you, or at least a member of your classy, erudite entourage.

Good eve and a fine morrow to you, sir. Best of luck in your studies.

Kindly,
Me

P.S. Can you smell that? I just farted in your face, dumbshit.