Buy the above from
The Onion Store. They intend it to refer specifically to Floyd Landis, but it's
pretty damn obvious that Armstrong used at least EPO and steroids throughout his career, too. Why not wear it in judgment of
all cyclists?
My heart wilted when I saw him finish Saturday’s thoroughly unspectacular
New York Marathon within his goal time of three hours, but my 2:57:00 PR is still faster than his 2:59:36.
You don’t care? Good. You shouldn’t. My deep, long-standing hatred of cyclists is a personal torch that no one else seems to understand, let alone share. There may be some good eggs in that barrel of otherwise cracked, maggot-laden ones, but a sport in which gear is so vital encourages many of its adherents to focus their financial, mental, and social resources so closely on that aspect that competition and physical striving – the real point of any sport – take a back seat to the accoutrements.
In running, the only essential gear is a pair of shoes, which easily runs under $100. It's impossible to improve one's performance by paying more for running gear, unlike cycling.
Most cyclists are ridiculously self-righteous about their perceived ecologically conscious choice to drive a bicycle rather than an automobile, even though bikes are essentially manual automobiles. They were invented at roughly the same time – late 18th to early 19th century – and are both machines that use systems of gears to reduce one's necessary effort in propelling himself. Might as well get a
Segway, you fucking pussy.
Or...And while cyclists have a heritage that goes back – oooooohhhh! – over a century, humans have been running for at least two million years. In fact, a
recent article in Nature (
PDF of full article) suggests that endurance running “may have been instrumental in the evolution of the human body form.” Now get outta here before I test the strength of your aerodynamic helmet.
(
Unicycling, though.
That’s cool.)
